I managed to get some sleep which is good. I think I’d drained myself to the point of passing out. I continued to wake up in the night and think of him. I had to tell myself to ignore it and deal with it later so I could go back to the land of unconscious and not deal with it. But now I’m awake, and it’s another day. My mind is occupied with thoughts for him. I want to know if he’s okay and what he’s doing. How is it fair to hurt this much and still care so much. I hope he’s doing the same. His friends that had become my good friends are no longer texting back, and it makes it even harder. I’ve lost every part of what my life has been for the past however long. I want him back. Nothing is going to make this okay. The thought of other people and my summer without him and without them kills me. Even now, as it’s sunny I’m thinking of how he’d turn up and take me somewhere beautiful. And all the places he promised we would visit. I just want it to all go away.
The day isn’t too bad. I keep myself occupied and manage to block it all out. I mention his name and our memories like they’re a simple story. It evokes no feeling. I sit in the sun with a friend and we laugh about memories, ones without him. But I can feel it slowly creep into my mind, it starts spreading like ink being absorbed onto paper. And so I smoke. And in every drag I take I breathe out a little bit of us. Maybe if I expel it; this gut wrenching, deep burning pain it’ll all be a little better. I smoke until I can feel nothing. I am numb. Not the feeling I had earlier, a care free numb. I can feel nothing but the sun beaming down on my face. And in that minute nothing mattered. It’s wearing off now. I can feel the anchor starting to drag me down and his face is in every blink again. I know this evening will be bad. When everyone’s gone and I’m alone. I’ll feel him by my side again. And have to remember that it is no more. I am alone. He is gone.
I want to explain how exhausted I am. Even in my dreams. How I wake up tired. How I’m being drowned by some kind of black wave.
The morning is harder. You’ve just been to sleep and it’s the only time everything’s blocked out, and suddenly you’re forced into consciousness and have to remember it all. You lie, staring at the pictures. His laugh fills the space in your head. You wonder why he’s no longer next to you in bed. But it’s okay, because you’ll have that morning text. And then you look down at your phone and remember it’s all over. And you’re confused, and you know he is too. And you’re lost and hurt, and knowing he is too just makes it all that much worst. You see a picture of him out to dinner with his friends after it happened. You know that it happened so they could be there for him. Yet I’ve been lying here, trying to put myself in another universe, to stop this indescribable pain. I don’t know how to be okay. And I don’t know how to deal with this. Someone help me. Someone bring him back.